Archive for January, 2008

Refund Chronicles

I have sent a second email to the director of the Dragonlance movie. Hopefully he will reply to this email since my first went unanswered. Was my email crass? Not at all. Was it rude? I suppose it could be considered rude, but I consider it honest – everything I said is true.

Here is the email (The director is also named Will – I’m not talking to myself I promise):


I can only assume that my first email was mistakenly trapped by some overzealous spam filter. With that in mind, I will attempt to write another email, this time with a little more substance. Hopefully it will pass whatever credentials are needed so that you actually see the email.

On Tuesday, the day the Dragonlance movie was released, I purchased the DVD. To say I was excited would be an understatement. After work I eagerly went home, made some popcorn, and put the movie into my DVD player. The first thing I noticed, after watching the Iron Man preview, was that the DVD was authored without “Scene Selections”. This should have been a red flag. Even my oldest and most “basic” DVD movies all have “Scene Selections” as a menu option. My enthusiasm got the best of me though, and I started the movie without really letting that little fact bother me. Rather than type out all of my issues, I will link you my blog post, which now sits on the first page of google when you search for the words: dragonlance movie review. (I’m not trying to impress you, I’m more impressed with myself, I’m on google… that is rad)

Here is the problem in its most basic and simple terms: your movie was terrible.

I have never watched something as embarrassing as your movie and no movie has ever forced me to ask the following: I want my money back. You took $11.87 from me. In addition to taking my money you took my time. You have wasted 90 minutes of my life. Here are some things I could have used those 90 minutes for:

1. Memorize all the owners manuals in my house.
2. Laundry – one sock at a time.
3. Teargas my basement to see if I could take the burn.

Yes, I am being pretty honest here Will. I would rather sit in a basement full of teargas… my eyes nearly blind, my stomach retching my lunch back through my throat, my skin on fire… I can’t really put a dollar value on the time you wasted sir, but I can once again ask for a refund. I will, of course, mail you the movie first. I will even pay for the shipping. Ideally I would also expect a written apology along with the refund check, but in an ideal world your movie would not have been a festering embarrassment.


More on the Dragonlance debacle

I am taking a page from the South Park boys. I am going to demand a full refund of $11.87 + sales tax. I have already sent an email to Will Meugniot, the director. If I hear anything back I will post it. Assuming that he simply ignores my email, which I fully expect him to do, I will have to explore other approaches.

It is possible that Will Meugniot has gone into hiding. Honestly, if my name was attached to the Dragonlance movie I would probably be somewhere in South Dakota desperately searching google for “how to I legally change my name and never be found by anyone”. Speaking of google… funny story. As of 1/16 if you google for the words “Dragonlance” “movie” and “review” look who is on the first page… ME! Who needs SEO? Not me.

Review – Dragonlance Movie

Today Dragonlance: Dragons of Autumn Twilight was released to DVD (direct to DVD release). The movie was based on a book of the same name, written by Margaret Weis and Track Hickman.

I have been a huge fan of the Dragonlance series ever since I was introduced to the novels in the second or third grade. Dragonlance is the reason that I not only became interested in science fiction/fantasy novels, but in novels period! When I heard that a movie was being made based on the one of the series most popular novels, I was thrilled. Then, when I heard that they had actually landed real voice talent, I was ecstatic! Keifer Sutherland, Michael Rosenbaum, Lucy Lawless… those are serious actors. Things looked promising.

I just finished watching the movie.

To say that the movie was a steaming pile of wretched filth would be far too kind… Imagine those campy Lord of The Rings movies (Cartoons) from the 1970s. Now imagine if those people produced this movie, except they replaced the directors, producers, and animators with retarded chimpanzees. Now imagine something worse… you have a rough idea of the movie.

The people behind the Dragonlance movie decided to mix animation with computer graphics. They failed. It looked as if they took a Saturday morning cartoon and allowed a high school computer graphics class to splice in some CG. When you watch a DVD movie, especially ones that are animated and/or contain CG effects, the producers often allow you to see “test footage”. This footage is often a very rough cut, something the animators throw together in as little time as possible, just to give a basic idea of what to expect. They usually release this as a “special feature” on the DVD menu. The CG in the Dragonlance movie LOOKED LIKE FREAKING TEST FOOTAGE. It was unprofessional, undeveloped, and embarrassing.

I wonder if the person who wrote the script, assuming he/she wasn’t also a retarded chimpanzee, actually read the book. I can only assume that rather than taking a few hours to read the book, they asked an intern to give them the “readers digest” version while they were busy abusing crystal meth. I’m not going to list all my complaints about the script – I understand that things must be cut/changed in order to properly adapt a novel into a movie, but having your characters get into a yelling match 5 feet from a sleeping dragon really just doesn’t make sense. Why would they yell at each other after realizing the evil, giant, and terrifying dragon was luckily asleep?

To the people who directed/produced this movie: I hope you are happy. You have taken a novel that was truly engaging, thought provoking, and exciting, and turned it into excrement. I can only hope that I can somehow burn the memory of this movie out of my brain so that the next time I read the book my imagination will not be sullied by the trainwreck you have unleashed.

Happy New Year

 2007 was a pretty good year. Teresa and I bought our first new car together. We bought a house (also a first). We got a dog.

I can only hope that 2008 is just as good… though cheaper would be nice! ;)

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