Archive for October 11th, 2006


My wife keeps kosher. By proxy I do too, mostly.

Since I do not fully understand the rules and regulations regarding kosher foods, I often ask her “what if” questions. My wife, in addition to her religious studies, works for an insurance company. Thus I expect her to be the worlds most absolute authority on both her religion and all things insurance.

So I often ask things like:

What if scientists were able to make an Emu that could fly. Perhaps they could genetically modify its DNA structure. Technically it would not be a flightless bird, and you could eat it.

What if we found life on another planet…and it was tasty. Would kosher law apply to beings not of our planet?

What if I got a Catholic priest, an Islamic cleric, and a rabbi to ALL bless a pig. Could you eat it then? That pig would pee holy water with that much blessing!

Furthermore I wonder things like:

If a meteor hits our apartment, does our renters insurance cover meteor damage? If so does it cover us if the meteor carries with it an alien virus that eventually wipes out most of mankind? I really don’t want to see THAT lawsuit.

What happens if a rip in the space-time continuum opens in our living room and swallows my DVD collection? Is that covered, and if so, what kind of deductible is involved?

If I run over the people responsible for the programming on VH1, who is at fault? I say I can claim no fault since their unbelievably vapid programming MADE ME do it.

Cottage Cheese

Children often do not believe adults. Adults tell them fantastic and completely nonsensical things on a regular basis. For example children are often told that certain foods are not only good for them, but are quite tasty. I can clearly remember my parents lauding Brussel sprouts, asparagus, peas, tomatoes, and cottage cheese.

Like most younger children, I rejected their logic. My taste buds screamed “This tastes like Bantha fodder”. Yes, as a small child I related to most of the world via semi-obscure Star Wars references.

Yet, as I now approach thirty, I have had to make certain concessions that would drive my younger self into a lightsaber-wielded rage.

Asparagus is tasty – quite tasty, especially if prepared well.
Brussel sprouts are not a byproduct of the Bantha digestive tract.
Peas, while not exactly asparagus material, are tolerable.
Tomatoes do indeed make sandwiches taste better.

That is, however, where my food concessions end. After giving up more ground than Emperor Palpatine’s gardener (Ok, I don’t have a good Star Wars ground analogy ok… sorry) I have decided to hold fast. Cottage cheese is still disgusting.

This brings up an unusual problem. While I may enjoy my continued vilification of all things cottage cheese, I actually like it. So, I have decided that the recipe for cottage cheese must have been changed sometime in the past twenty years. It is the only rational explanation, especially if I am to keep up my anti-cottage tirade.

So… Mom…Dad… while you were right about naps, homework, and certain foods, COTTAGE CHEESE STILL SUCKS – at least the old nasty recipe you old people used in the 1980s.

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